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Ten things I don’t want to read in real estate listings

24 Nov

I just read a listing that had at least five of these irritating, misleading, or otherwise off-putting descriptions. I know the list would be different for others, but here’s mine:

10. Wide open plan

If I lived by myself, I might like to keep an eye on the kitchen while I’m kicking back by the fire or working in my office nook. But with a family of six, how is a person to carry on a private conversation, with meaningful hand signals? And I don’t want to to be faced with the mess some snacking teen made in the kitchen while I’m trying to work on lesson plans at the dining table. Give me a few different sizes of rooms with walls between, mostly with doors, some locking. Then getting together for meals or conversation is a special event, not an obligation.

9. Exclusive

Makes me feel excluded, which I find very triggering. Or, if it’s only exclusive of burglars, then “security system” would be a better choice of words.

8. Soaring (vaulted) ceilings

I don’t want to soar in my own home, or hang large chandeliers, or even seagull mobiles. For that feeling, I go to a cathedral, an airport, or a gymnasium. Lots of things need to soar there. In a house it just creates a draft through wasted space, with occasional shafts of dust-filled light stabbing through.

7. Immaculate

What does that have to do with anything, except the price of housekeeping, landscaping, and power washing services, plus a good home stager? I’m not buying those. Or did you mean morally immaculate?

6. Stunning

This is not a positive emotion to have about a house, its grounds, or the price. Trust me, I know.

5. Over sized

Oops–you built it too big to be practical or comfortable, so I can see why you want to sell it. Too hard to heat, to clean, or to locate your cell phone, family members, or pets in. But why turn off potential buyers before they even take a look?

4. Be the envy of…

To tell you the truth, I think about this quality a lot. Except, it’s a test of whether I would be ashamed to live in a certain house, not whether it’s desirable. I don’t want to buy a property that would evoke sinfully covetous thoughts in others. I don’t want to be a symbol of  the inherent social inequity that can arise from being born into privilege or living a self-centered, materialistic life. I also don’t want to use my possessions to compensate for a deficient sense of self worth.

3. Minutes to everything

Two minutes to the on ramp and convenience store, or to the metal and glass recycling sorter services? Five hundred minutes to a grocery store or the nearest school? Really, that’s not even useful information.

2. One of a Kind

That’s just way too open to interpretation. It fits the underground concrete bunker, the condo designed for boarding stray cats, and the converted lunatic asylum.

1. Well appointed

Not because it isn’t a good, useful expression that replaces a longer one, but because I had to look it up to make sure it didn’t mean “fancy enough for doctors and lawyers to entertain in.”

 
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Posted by on November 24, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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