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Tag Archives: humor

Funeral plans (a work in progress)

Please don’t put on “Amazing Grace” at my funeral program. I’m getting that out of the way, up front. As much as I like its tune and ideas, I’d be, as usual, distracted by the terrible grammar of the last verse, and I can’t ask everyone to try to sing,
“We’ll have had no fewer days to have sung God’s praise
than when we first began.”
(And I’m not even sure that’s correct.)

No, it’s to be “Beautiful Earth” by Lydia McCauley, and I’ll try to come up with a few others–at least one a black spiritual with call and echo, and maybe one of the ones from Margaret Atwood’s Year of the Flood, though someone will have to teach it, as it’s not in the canon.

I plan to be there in spirit, so if you have any trouble with the plumbing that day, either at the church or reception hall, take it as my final reminder that it’s time to put some funding into a gray water diversion system–use it to water the into the landscape, which I would prefer to be converted to vegetables and other edibles, with consideration for the needs of the pollinators and other beneficials. I surely hope you’ll already be composting the used paper towels from the restrooms by then.

I don’t want my remains to take up otherwise perfectly good residential or community garden land, nor burned, since that’s a waste of fossil fuels, at the very least. My best wishes go to the one who can arrange for all my body to be wrapped in a used cotton bed sheet, sprinkled with lime and buried in an orchard. If you can organize it, throw in all the leftover food and paper plates from the reception at the same time, and maybe some sawdust if you can get it. My gardening friends will know the correct proportions of green to brown matter. If there are any laws against those procedures in my green city, I’d be proud to finally be arrested, if posthumously, for a good cause.

You’ll likely know where to find my cheesecake recipe for the reception. Make sure there are non-diary options, and you may as well keep the other food vegetarian–no reason to have anything else killed on my account. My brother makes excellent beer, though I got naught but a sip at my wedding reception before I was whisked away to greet some guests. I hope lots of you will go out for coffee together afterward or have a bonfire, and perhaps there will be some flirting like there was at my father-in-law’s funeral, and not just among the under-thirties. My husband has always come across as rather flirtatious himself, but let’s not anyone expect too much from him, as he was really rather attached to me and will have the sense to avoid rebound. Besides, we have four children, all of whom consider themselves to be good judges of character, so all prospective mates, even after a two-year mourning period, will probably have to be vetted by them informally at least.

My children will recall that when they were being dramatic, crying out, “I’m going to die!” or even “I want to die!” that I always responded that yes they eventually would, and so would I. I trust that I have sufficiently neglected fixing their dinners that they will be perfectly independent by then and have no real trouble transitioning. Tell them all I love them, once again for good measure, and that they may read my journals if they wish when they are eighteen.

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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I want my best life now. Is it in the shed, or maybe in the attic?

Sometimes I feel I need to just pick up a copy of Joel Olsteen’s Your Best Life Now and give it a read. Can he help me with this?

After riding back from an especially grueling workout, I came up the stairs on shaky limbs to bring my bicycle in the front door en route to the storage area, because the proper route through the gate is now blocked by deer netting and bungee cords to keep the husky from jumping the low fence there. I arrive by the kitchen table and can’t get through because there’s a treadmill in the way, on which my daughter is finishing off her husky’s workout. I haven’t yet got a space cleared for it in the storage area by the shed. The dog needed to be tired out before her mistress went to school, so said dog would be less likely to dig under or break through the old, decaying fence again and bother our neighbor, who has already threatened to call Animal Control. Or less likely to scare the little girl up the road, and less likely to be confiscated from such incompetent pet owners who let their dog run around the neighborhood several times a week without a leash.

The dog, frightened by the new experience of the treadmill, has pooped on the floor. There is yelling, appeals to clean it up, use paper towels, don’t let the dog step in it. My daughter does the initial scoop but sees the clock and panics, says she has to go to school or she’ll be late. I consider taking my bike out for another spin. I don’t want to be the default shit-wiper any more. One son is reprimanding the daughter for causing the dog to poop, I’m trying to keep him out of it, husband is hollering from his bedroom office wanting to know what’s going on, I holler back not now!

On the way out my son knocks over a bicycle blocking part of the entry. No room for it in the storage shelter because there are tractor partsa lawn mower, a rototiller that doesn’t run, cut up wood from a renovation, another broken bicycle which I found out is not worth fixing but which my husband doesn’t want to sell because he paid so much for it and now it’s worth only $150. Some of these things might fit in the shed, but that’s packed with two rolls of fiberglass insulation stuffed into garbage bags because the dog shredded them when they were left untended last winter. Can’t throw that away, because they can be used in the attic, once we have time to get up there. I would do it, but I think I saw mold up there last time and I don’t want to deal with that in case it means we have to replace and re-vent the entire roof. Unless, of course, that spurs us on to tackle the addition project I have sketched out, since we’d have to cut into the roof for that anyway. But do we really need the addition? Yes, there are six of us living in 1200 square feet plus garage (half of which is a bedroom), but the kids are almost ready for college, and then what will we do with all that room, and how will we pay off the loan? At least in the summer we have the huge yard. All we really need, probably, is a nice bike garage.

Everyone has gone to school. My husband is working from home, and I assume he has had his breakfast, but when I sit down to mine, easy over eggs, hash browns, sausage, and steamed greens, he asks where’s his, and didn’t I think to get him some? I make excuses and tell him where the ingredients are. He’s a twin, so it’s hard for him to be left out, and he’s working, so why don’t I go get a job so he has time to fix his own breakfast? He doesn’t say this, but my conscience does, using his voice.The kids are all in school all day and I have no responsibilities, after all, and what am I going to do, work on my blog?

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2014 in Places & Experiences

 

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I humbly offer a riddle of my own

Why is it okay to eat 1 can of soup, but not 2 cans?

Because if you eat toucans, you might choke on their beaks.

 
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Posted by on November 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. But it is fun and games until then–let’s remember that.

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Today’s writing prompt: Take the title of someone else’s post, change a key word or two, and write a post to fit your new title.

This could probably be a serious and enriching writing activity, but it’s also a way of goofing around with the titles of posts you should probably read for your professional development or personal scholarship, but you don’t feel like it.

Original post title:

  • 3 Simple Ways to Start Using Smart Phones in the Classroom

Alternative titles:

  • 3 Simple Ways to Stop Using Smart Phones in the Classroom
  • 3 Complicated Ways to Start Using Smart Phones in the Classroom
  • 3 Simple Ways to Start Using Smart Moves in the Classroom
  • 3 Simple Ways to Start Using Smart Phones in the Bathroom
  • 3 Simple Ways to Start Using Imaginary Phones in the Classroom

Original post title:

  • A Survival Guide to Teaching with Technology

Alternative titles:

  • A Survival Guide to Teaching with Paint
  • A Survival Guide to Battling with Technology
  • A Survival Guide to Teaching without Technology
  • A Surrealist’s Guide to Teaching with Technology

Try it yourself–even the title-twisting itself can be fun, a humor break in your busy day online.

 
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Posted by on October 26, 2013 in How to, Ideas, Writing

 

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Interview with my ten year old

Interview with my ten year old

Tell me about your reading

I refuse to answer that question

When’s the last time you’ve changed your shirt?

Yesterday.

What time?

I don’t know, about three o’clock. What are you smiling at? Mom, ask me a question.

Wow—what shall I ask you? What’s a good father?

Who loves his kids and doesn’t whip them. Who isn’t abusive. Pays attention, listens, who isn’t gone…actually, Dad is a good dad, so I’m not going to say that.

What are some of the best books you’ve read?

Great and Terrible Quest,

They can be books from when you were younger.

Richard Scarry books, and Goodnight Moon. Ask me something else.

Where is your favorite place to be?

At my friend’s house, with my friend. Or in my room, or at the pool.

What’s is the best trip or outing you remember?

Probably going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house in Long Beach.

What was good about that?

It was fun. Ask me something else.

What project would you like to do with me or Dad?

Make a model volcano, with a bunch of red food coloring in it, and baking soda and vinegar. With a button that would release dyed vinegar into the baking soda, so it would go “Boom!”

What have you learned about chocolate milk?

That it’s yummy, and it makes you feel sick when you drink it too fast.

What are your business plans for the summer?

Make a stand by the pool and sell mint patties, lemonade, and chocolate covered strawberries, blueberries and cookies fizzy drinks, and homemade chocolate bars, made out of Hershey’s chocolate bars. Crack open Lindor chocolates open, and pour the inside into a mold, and make that into really good chocolates, and sell that, and make a LOT of money. Only problem (after figuring a bit), is I won’t be making a profit. (Here he went into detail about various chocolate recipes made out of Lindor chocolates, including making a giant chocolate ball. Then got tired.)

 
 

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Cartoon ideas from twenty-five years ago

Cartoon ideas from twenty-five years ago

Crisis awareness fatigue

Global warming development opportunities

Ozone layer crisis cartoon idea

Ozone layer crisis cartoon idea

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2013 in Beautiful Earth

 

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