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Category Archives: Places & Experiences

Match #3 first date and afterwards: True love not being what I thought

Let’s call him Lightning (Match #3). The date (#1 with him) was a week ago. A lot of ups and downs, swings and wondering what got into me, what got into him, and where are we now, if anywhere.

Summary: Started with a friendly hug, I kept up just fine on the trail, talked all the way, enjoyed the views, shared some  wild berries, found a quiet nook in the trees by the lake for our picnic, then, leaning in against the chill, the chemistry heated up, and we both fell hard. The walk down was more like a float, and we decided to find a park, hung out all day, startled and pleased, nervous and wondering, heart, mind, body battling for pre-eminence, but also trying to let things flow. It was coming onto dusk, we parted and drove our separate ways. But there was no plan for next time.

Three days of texting, emailing, skirting nearer the idea of meeting again, but I sensed caution. What happened next was difficult–amazingly, given the fact that we only had one date, and I’m not yet ready to write about it much. Tenderness and disappointment, an acknowledgement of the perhaps insurmountable problems of schedules and geography.

So that was that–scuttled after what seemed a amazing start. Letting my emotions, spurred on by a neediness I acknowledge for touch, get ahead of reality.

Yet this an excellent opportunity to reflect on what’s going on with me, says my brain–with my life as it is and can become, and what is a more balanced way to approach this dating thing. Not that one should do everything to avoid ups and downs, but balance, Toes, balance, and protecting one’s heart (and as things develop, that of the otehr). And what I want to make of my new stage of life with or without a true love, or if it takes ten years.I want a great partnership. So, whether I achieve that or not in the exclusive sense (building other friendships and community always being an important part of life), I have the privilege of becoming as great a person as I can. Like that saying someone shared, if you want to create more interesting writing, live a more interesting life.

In the week between setting up this date and living it, I’d thrown myself into pursuing some goals around biking and other fitness pursuits that had given me a new appreciation for my beautiful town, the blessing of my health and relative fitness, what I can achieve and how it feeds my spirit and improves my mood. How much of this new drive was fueled by the desire to see if I could be active at the level probably necessary to fit into another person’s world? Yeah, I was under the influence. But it was a great influence and is leading to explorations that were good in themselves.

Which new goals am I going to pursue for my own joy and meaning in life and not for any other reason? And which of my present favorite life elements will I continue to include and build on, while letting go of some as of a receding lifestyle? For example, I am not a live-in-a-condo and feed only on wildness outside my door kind of person. I am grounded in my home, its garden, my local neighborhood. Whether I move or not, I’ll want fruit trees, sunshine, vegetables and flowers just outside my door. Whether or not that would be an enthusiasm of my sweetheart, it should at least be appreciated and valued, and I’ll want a hand at times. Neither do I want to be a habitual world traveler, especially in the way that’s wearing down the natural wonders of the world and leaving people still unable to know intimately and lovingly care for their own places on Earth.

This is the true love part–as I am launched out into the new challenges I’m setting for myself, mainly in fitness but also in what I want to learn (more songs on guitar, revisiting drawing, even making podcasts and videos (Date #2 influence), places I want to encounter, things I want to give, I am falling deeper in love with my own life. I am finding new strength, new confidence, new levels of physical health and fitness. It’s even conceivable that I might say the same to someone wonderful as he wrote to me–that my life is so full of things I enjoy, I’m not sure it’s fair to you to expect the level of adjustment it would require for the different interests we have.

It was the sweetest of all possible dumpings. I was remarkably composed, I told my girlfriend in a text. I had even anticipated this, by reading between the lines of our later post-date texts, however sweet and full of warm innuendo. I even grieved beforehand; sensing the signals and pause in communication, I took a melancholy bike ride to a place I could look out to sea after sunset the a few hours before the goodbye email came though. When it did, I reluctantly, apparently, and officially accepted it, and stored the sadness to release in smaller doses over the coming days. I said, if you ever slow down, and as I speed up, perhaps one day we can meet in the middle. But I expected nothing.

The next day, I unhid my dating profile, yes, and feeling mostly okay, but unsettled, sad, and, I realized, still basically in denial. I was calling out, visualizing a reversal, doing powerful magic that had seemingly made that first date flow as it had. With one part of my mind I was hoping to alter the universe and priorities of Match #3 through some kind of quantum connection.

Meanwhile, I thought of Match #2, whom I’ll call Magnet. No, I would not contact him right away in rebound. Not fair to him. Still, there was little history of any kind, so it wouldn’t really be a rebound. I wanted to know Magnet on his own merits better. So I looked up his website, and his goofy YouTube channel, the news story about the lawsuit against the city which had allowed erosion to topple several houses in his neighborhood and was threatening others. They featured his joyful and hopeful approach toward life, his craftsmanship, his creativity, his humor, and his friendships. The style of humor was the kind I absolutely love. The website showed him as an eighteen-years younger man, and I felt a little more connected with his  life story. Nice looking, but what made him very attractive to me, in a surprising new turn, was his interesting approach to life–a balance among technical, creative, and community priorities, a not-a slave to corporate America attitude, a child-like good cheer and friendliness. I would have liked him a lot back then too, and whatever happens I will always like him a lot. Everyone I know would like him, including my kids and the rest of my family. Of course my kids are not yet part of this mom dating story except minimally–they get this, but prefer to stay apart, as no one could ever replace their dad and they have a hard time with the idea that he could be replaced as a partner of mine. A key reason to move slowly, and find ways to incorporate honoring my late love into our year.

So I contacted him–we set up a second date–a day at a jazz festival, longer time commitment. I am feeling hopeful, cautioned, a little more balanced. Still a risk for touch-needs, I guess, but as one fellow put it in his profile, “a kiss is not a contract.” I feel ill at easy with this juggling, but it helps me not to fixate, as my friend reminded me. I continue to search online, communicate with fellows who show interest, some with a polite no thank you currently following up on some leads, others with some suggestions of possibilities in future. Plenty of fish and all. A temporary but necessary semi-detachment, which my more experienced friend and confidant says is wise, and I think at this stage is the best approach for all parties. A creative and dynamic balancing act.

Then came the surprise, and the day before Date #2 with Magnet: and even more reason to be cautious, self controlled and balanced in my thoughts, as well as communicate openly with all concerned: Lightning emailed in the middle of last night to invite me out for a drink on his way through town on the coming Monday. Knees a little stronger this time, but here I go again, hanging out with Magnet while distracted by thoughts of Lightning. And wondering what he meant by this…

 

 

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Match #2 first date reflections, anticipation of meeting Match #3

I went in with no particular expectations, except that I’d get to meet someone with whom I had very much enjoyed communicating via text, who was light-hearted, intelligent, creative, and had a great sense of humor. I thought he might be glib, too goofy at the expense of being grounded, or optimistic to the point of not being able to handle sad conversations or allow others to process in a different way.  I thought that being eight years older could be a problem. And I thought that I’d be ambivalent at best.

We met at a pub mid-way between our towns on a humid afternoon. As I walked in there was no sign of him. He had warned me that he looked different than his profile, having now with no beard and shorter hair, but I thought I remember his twinkling eyes, and that he’d know me. I recognized one of the bartenders, and he recognized me, seemingly–Bellingham? I said? Oh, he’d worked at the food co-op previously, where I’d been shopping for decades. As I was chatting with him someone appeared in my peripherals, and I turned, and there were the twinkling eyes. He looked delighted and gave me a hug, for which I was barely able to prepare myself. Surprising, but really, perfect, I thought. I must start all my dates this way–after all, all of us a hug-deficient at the very least.

The positive energy and fun sparkled out of him. The “Woohoo!” with which he had ended each text message fit him like a mantra. Not in a shallow, party-party, Pollyanna way, but in a child-like delight in the adventures of life and what one can create in and from what one is given. Of course, everyone has his pain and melancholy, however carried, and it’s important to look into, but this was definitely going to be an enjoyable, non-awkward meeting.

He moved over to my side of the booth, assuring me he wasn’t putting moves on me, but that the ambient sound was making it hard for him to hear my quiet voice. The waitress asked if we were ready–he announced that this was our first date, and it seemed to be going well so far. She was unimpressed. We talked, sipped our drinks, shared our fries, and got a sense of each other. I felt myself opening to the chemistry available between us. The age difference seemed less important. But the planned date with Friday’s man kept this in check, and my heart did not fly off in all directions. A good balance.

I don’t remember what I shared–basics, enthusiasms, a little history, and the intangibles– what I find worthwhile, life giving, humorous, meaningful. All in a preliminary way. It began to pour outside–the pub was steamy, and I’d worn corduroys. I learned that he thrived on his close friendships, had done everything he could to preserve a marriage in which his wife had been steamrolled by health problems, that he was fighting some causes important to him. I learned he could talk freely about anything, and make others comfortable. I learned he had multiple interesting activities in his life and that he was not particularly needy, nor looking to create meaning and focus from a now-empty life. He was gentlemanly, wanting to know me personally and introduce himself to me. Hints and innuendos were minimal and appropriate.

We went for a walk once the rain had ebbed. Here, as with most of the date, our views of one another were side-long. As dusk approached we decided to head our separate ways, gave each other another friendly hug, and he said he’d like to see me again, and to ponder on that. I mentioned I was seeing a new person on Friday, but would keep him in mind. He wished me luck.

I drove home in the new wave of drizzle, smiling–how nice to meet new friends and enjoy good company. How nice to feel interesting and appreciated. And as far as that “going on adventures” thing so often included in online dating profile notes was concerned, this guy was himself the adventure–I could see this in the whole way he approached his life and times with others.

And, I have to admit, how sweet to now fully anticipate Friday’s encounter, for which I had great expectations and fantastic imaginations. Yes, they felt unrealistic, but I was feeling magic, as if I really could make things happen.

I have always considered myself a head-trusting person, as opposed to heart. Emotions as servants, not master. INTP woman, Gemini sun, Pisces moon. And other than some emotional/mental infatuations late in my twenty-four year marriage that I had patiently waited out until they fizzled, I had not “fallen in love” or developed any infatuation that I was allowed to acknowledge to anyone for over a quarter century. So now I plunged in, head sending cautionary whispers, but also, in a way–saying: Go ahead, enjoy–I’ll help you put yourself back together again if you get broke. I remembered the few broken times from similar unrequited loves in the more distant past–all the way back to seventh grade–and thought, that kind of pain is not as damaging as pain from a long period of alienation within a relationship anyway.

All this was having a strange effect physically. I was energetic, but light-headed. Had strength and endurance for more swims, runs, bike rides and even house cleaning than ever, but my legs felt weak and shaky much of the time, and my heart rate would sometimes be elevated for hours at a time, especially after a text , email, or even a profile viewed message by Match #3. Blood pressure elevated too, probably, though normally it’s very low. I wondered if this was good for my health (other than the extra exercise it was leading to). Do hopeful guys go through something similar, or are they able to compartmentalize? Maybe it’s just my personality? Hormones? All of the above?

Friday was to be a hike up a mountain trail to a lake and back, a shared picnic, half way again, though this time that was further afield. He knew all the trails, had all the passes, and we established a meeting place. I would bring currant cider, tomatoes and berries, he something to pair.

 

 

 

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Getting ready for the first date in the second half of life: a study in unrealistic expectations

I wanted to give it all, almost–my personal email, my blog URL, a good view of my shapely enough figure. The written exchanges were so… right, so warm and yet appropriate, intelligent with no posturing, appreciative with no flattery. In his reticence, I read alluring self-restraint. In his simple sentences I read deep thought and care about using words in the most frugal and powerful way. An unleashed ability to be passionate. In his serious expression and seeming reluctance to smile in the few photos he posted, I read authenticity–who can criticize someone who has not trained themselves to grin at a camera, who can only manage an “Ah shucks, okay I’ll try half smile? I appreciated his regular, but not too frequent, replies, and how he referenced the content of my messages intelligently and sometimes connected them with his own thoughts and experiences. In his references to heartbreak I read tenderness, a willing to be vulnerable, even be hurt, and I admired his courage to try again. I placed his personal rule of not letting online dating interfere with his lifestyle at the forefront of my mind. And it start to gather dust.

I thrilled at his allusion to having considered mooring his boat in my area, of having applied for positions here in the past. I drew him out. I encouraged him to meet. Yes, I agreed; this was hard, but one had to give it a chance. Yes, one could have one’s expectations disappointed, find that one person felt differently than the other, not sense the necessary chemistry. But what else was there to do? audentis Fortuna iuvat and all that.

He suggested a dockside dive in a half way town, said he had a boat project to work on, nothing too ambitious. I was jittery, excited, excitable. I refrained from frothing over to my kids, who supported me in my online dating venture, but for whom this was too new, and they’d rather not have the play-by-play. But my oldest daughter was patient with my need to bubble over a little, and said she’d help me pick out my outfit. She cautioned against red, and said that a plaid shirt, even a cute one worn with a skirt, looked like dressing down.

I had been checking online several times a day, feeling that rush of dopamine, knowing it was foolish to allow myself to get worked up, but at the same time savoring this long-dormant feeling. And why not? My friend Pink Poet texted, “Do you feel sixteen again?” She let me tell all, said it was welcome alternative drama to the tension of her current marriage situation. I told her that for some reason I was more drawn to this guy that to either of the others with whom I’d arranged meetups–the tall, bearded Hispanic romance writer, or the curly gray-haired designer-sculptor who made me laugh, let loose my wry sense of humor, and ended every message with “Whoo-hoo!”

The day of the early dinner date dawned. I puttered around all morning, avoided digging in the garden to keep my fingernails clean, repainted my toenails, put the laundry through and worried that my sweater wouldn’t be dry in time. I skipped my morning exercise so as to have more energy later, especially since I hadn’t slept well the night before. I picked berries to pull out for a surprise dessert. Distractedly scrolled through the matches of the day online, sent some “currently following some other leads, which is enough for now, but thanks for reaching out, and good luck with your search” messages. I wondered whether I should have purchased a shorter membership after all.

The time to head south drew near. I dressed, tidied my hair, chose a slightly form-fitting black sleeveless top and striped rose colored linen pants one might throw on after a day in the sun. I thought of my daughter’s claim that pants with a pattern made anyone’s butt look good.

My mind continued to spin–images, feelings, imaginings seemingly unstoppable. I cautioned myself, tried to maintain some kind of realism. It was expectations that disappointed, after all, not reality. Though I felt attractive enough, I remembered that my efforts to get a good selfie at times made me think of Silvia Plath’s “hideous fish.” I reminded myself to smile fully, not nervously covering my teeth, an old habit I picked up as a teen when I was insecure about them. I decided on my first few words: “It’s the real person, finally” or something, a hand clasp, like a friend rather than a colleague. I imagined the locking of eyes, the wordless reaching out of hands, a kind of recognition. I packed a travel toothbrush and clean underwear, because who knew? gushed my hormones.

As I pulled out of my driveway, I saw a jar of sweet peas on the roadside stand my son and I had set up. Suddenly my eyes filled with tears. It felt like the beginning of the breaking of my bond with my longtime husband, now gone almost a year.

 

 

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A conversation between two deaf men

One guy says to another guy in a coffee shop, a few tables away: “I’m looking for hearing aids from Thailand.”

“What’s that?”

“Hearing aids from Thailand.”

“Oh?”

“But they’re all imported from Europe.”

“Where?”

“Europe. And they’re eighty dollars.”

“How much?”

“Eighty dollars. And you have trouble finding parts.”

“Trouble with what?”

“Getting parts.”

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2019 in Places & Experiences

 

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The sympathy of not really belonging

I am part of a small team within our small staff, just three people, working on getting to know the Common Core math standards, focusing on 6th grade and up. We call it our Math PLC, Professional Learning Community, and meet most weeks, with a few gaps for other things that come up and general staff meetings. I am sort of leader, being the high school math teacher, so I bring guiding documents and suggest options for how we proceed, but we really all work together and I respect and depend on each person for their perspective, experience, and skills. For example, I am ideas and vision oriented but also wanting to analyze a lot of information before making decisions, another member is relationship oriented, super encouraging and also hilarious, and a third member is action oriented and good at laying out the pieces visually so we can organize the parts and move forward.

So far we’ve chosen what we’re calling Priority Standards, being the ones we guarantee to teach and assess with an aim to get all student to meet these standards. These are about a third of the ones laid out in the big CCSS documentation, but it’s recognized that it’s impossible thoroughly teach and track progress in every standard every year. Also and since the standards are broad and overlap from year to year and even across each other, as long as we align the strands up through the different level and catch the stages where certain ones are emphasized, in the big picture we try to cover them all. It’s also true that only certain things can be captured in standards language or be assessed in any standardized way; this does not mean they are the most important or can comprise a full curriculum.

This last meeting was completely different. We didn’t really do anything about math standards, but we made a deeper connection that felt pretty profound. We just talked. About one eprson’s relationship with her grandpa, about spirituality and religion, and about feeling, all three of us in different ways appreciative of but also disconnected and critical of the culture of our local community. I was like, one person said, My two team members had always lived here, but said the place sometimes drove them nuts and they’d never really feel they fit in. Yet at the same time, they knew it was imporant to stick around and be a part of the community, especially as teachers.

I’ve written before about how I don’t feel I fit into the community, doubt sometimes even whether I can even make an impact because I’m so at odds with the dominant culture, even though on the surface I seem like I have a lot of similar background. From a rural dairy area, raised in the Church, large family, homeschooled my kids. But that’s where the similarity ends. I feel like they both said they do so often, like I’m always having to bite my tongue.

There are two sides (at least) to this tongue biting–one being the effort to avoid unnecessary argument, alienation, or openness to misinterpretation when views are worlds apart, or at least toning it down so as to have a chance to slowly influence as well as show respect. The other is the restraint of criticism of the community and culture, and certainly individuals, to those on the fringes or outside, and avoiding a holier-than-them attitude.

None of us put out any specifics about what that culture was that grated, but we all knew. And about the rich and valuable parts too. No need to say, but it was special to feel more connected to one another in that moment, and it was an important team building session.

Personality-wise, the three of us are very different–it’s kind of magical that we can still feel so in sympathy as a team that has come together, as well as individuals who in some way are outsiders. Brings home in a greater way what community means.

 

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How can we say what’s real, with so much going on under the surface?

I have about 38 posts partially written, stuck somewhere in every one, either because they were too ambitious and require much more deep thinking and hard wordsmithing than I can manage lately, or because they are very out of date. I have not been showing up daily, as wanted, to put words together t o craft at least some kind of post. Discipline is important, yes, but I regularly find I purposely rebel against routine, including this one. It is a regular thing, these purposeful bouts of neglect of a practice I find so enriching for me and for which I can see some possible usefulness out there in the world, if I can improve my craft and develop a sense of a proper focus for my writing voice.

My idea is to double-rebel; that is, when I feel like breaking with the regularity of writing, I’ll recognize that as a habit bred from the same thoughtless laziness that makes me as eat the same breakfast every day or drive the same route to work, frequent the same coffee shop or avoid social situations. Thus I will feel that by maintaining a habit I am being a disruptor, which is more exciting, and out of my comfort zone.

Yes, that’s all really dumb and immature, but at least now I’m writing a little instead of watching two or three episodes of The Crown like I did last night. I was utterly exhausted, wanting to go to bed at 8 pm, exhausted for unknown reasons. I just lay on my quilt, partially propped up with unadjusted pillow, unable to move even to pull over and turn on my laptop and be passively entertained. I wondered if it was just my lack of leafy greens, excessive coffee, and failure to work out for the past two weeks. That habit was getting established, felt mighty fine, and I let that falter too, staying in my classroom a few hours after I should have to get through more paperwork.

As I felt the heavy inertness of my body, I also wondered if it was carrying the burden of some grief stage anniversary. Or if I was feeling May teaching burnt out, frustration from coming home to a mess in the kitchen I did not make, or just fighting a virus.

I did drag myself to the gym today after work, mindlessly warmed up on the treadmill, made the circuit of machines and did a few free weights, and it started to feel very good. It doesn’t feel so awkward going on my own now that I know what to expect–the machines, the low key 4 pm clientele, but the pool was full of kids and a water exercise group so I didn’t get the swim I’d hoped to end with. I was planning to suspend my membership for the next three months, but it turns out I can’t on my deal, and I’m kind of glad that this might make me get here more often, even if I do have more work in the yard to keep me fit.

I don’t want to have a countdown attitude about May and June. I want to fill the hours with well planning lessons and even up my game to work for a higher level of student engagement and success even while the weather calls us all outside and the three fans in my windowless room can’t keep it from heating to uncomfortable levels by the afternoon. I’m trying out a new Chemistry resource and a new online math curriculum we’ll be piloting this year, and collaborating with two colleagues to pin down priority standards for math which we’ll work on aligning K through 12th grade. I’m getting to new levels of understanding of best practices in teaching science (though still a long ways to go on the quality of my instruction), moving toward more student ownership of learning, getting to lead on my team more, all kinds of exciting things going on.

Plus, there was this student I was starting not to like, and really, to get pissed off at, most days. Well, actually two, and sometimes three. That’s never a good direction, and I needed to talk it out with colleagues, and even my daughter, to work on improving my attitude. I think I’m making progress. As I told my daughter yesterday, if I can convey that I actually like, in some genuine way, a student who is passively or actively resisting my leadership and/or their own better instincts, I think there is a lot of hope for something good to happen. Even if that hope is deferred for years. I want the most “difficult” students, when they realize down the road what they want to do with their lives and start to be more mature and responsible, to remember being liked. I want to provide a balance of sort of a parental style to pushing, requiring, disciplinary consequences, with a releasing into their own unique life, a recognition of their free agency to make their own choices, and an acknowledgement that the school machine is just a thing, and you can’t let it get you down. It’s a thing, and it has its uses, but it’s not the real thing, baby.

 

 

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May celebrations with my kids

Last week was my older daughter’s twenty-first birthday.The night before, her younger sister and (also underage) roommates treated her to a late night, and were there to accompany her to the local grocery store just after midnight to pick up a bottle of wine on her own newly legal ID. My daughter had explained beforehand that they’d be doing this, answered my objections that she’d thrown off her sleep schedule by asserting that it was just what was done. The next day she admitted that after midnight she’d just wanted to go to sleep and had to be urged to the store, that the feeling of hangover the next morning (being usually a light drinker) probably wasn’t worth it.

This is the daughter that always takes the time to make others’ special days feel special–she’s at our home now leading a team of siblings though cleaning chores and making a special lunch for me of potato skins and coconut cream pie for Mother’s Day. She jokes that she’s the “mom” of the bunch. Was in that role while living with her sister and roommates as well (she moved back home and started looking for a different set of housemates, the emotional work being too heavy and thankless).

Likewise she needs to feel special on her special day, and so we planned, checking in with her about her preferences, a special birthday dinner a few days after her actual birthday when we all could make it. She and her sister went camping, and would arrive for the special dinner.

We had a blast. Dance music blasting, everyone helping with this or that, flowers, helium birthday balloon (and helium-infused vocalizations), playing with the dog and cat (who wrestling with abandon, being about the same size), and my daughter’s favorite chicken, rice, asparagus and chocolate cream roll cake, topped off with some cider, champagne, and grape juice soda. Everyone hoping and trying for their best spirits and good will, hoping no one would bring up resentments, be insensitive or unkind, or get moody or selfish. Laughing with and not much at one another.

Another get together today for Mother’s Day. First without their dad. Makes them feel extra thankful, over a layer of melancholy. What will we do for Father’s Day next month?